Fantastic Flip-Flaps past rooted opponents, riduculous Robanas ripping through defensive lines and terrific top-corner shots blasted from miraculous meters out to score the perfect team-worked goal.

Sound familiar?

Well it shouldn't be unless you were at an Arsenal - Man U match. The Criminals' first outing as a whole team including 2 trial players Jonathan and Bad was tepid to say the least as we got caught red-handed 5 goals to 1 by Oli's team. The malicious mud and half-time rain made playing conditions rather, well, squishy, but the water-logged field did nothing to soften our fall.

Led out on to the Bukit Batok field for the first time by Captain Shankar, the unanimously voted leader's vociferous efforts panicked a few and urged several more to play on harder but the first goal blew through the Criminals' post with a right-side effort from Oli's team, just a notch too high for newly acquired goalie Ariff to palm away.

This came as the Criminals' first blow, made harder by the dubious decision of the opposing team as to whether the ball Bad had embarassingly slotted through the legs of their stand-in keeper had indeed crossed the line or not. But referee-less and linesman-less, the game just went on, much to the dismay of the crooks in white.

The midfield looked reasonably alright considering the fact that they were functioning as one for the first time on a larger pitch. Good passes were strung in rapid succession, but always lacking the superb finishing touch to either feed it to lone center forward John or blast it into the net. To the opponent's credit, their defense was tight and limited what Jon could pull off.

However, a howler of a defensive error made by El Brighto gave the opponent's a cheap second goal. A failed clearance by Shankar laid the ball at the feet of one of Oli's team members, who then sent a low cross into the box. Backpedalling from a frontal position, Bright attempted to trap the ball with his foot stuck out from the back, but a slippery ball and equally slick boot-surface carried the ball goalwards. Ariff then made a quick dash to pounce on the ball, but the wet ball made it difficult to get a firm grip on and the Sun Of A Bitch mercilessly spilt out of his hands, which was then eaten up by two on-rushing opponents, leaving the defense and admittedly almost all the Criminals, slack-jawed.

At half-time the skies opened up and the brief torrent of rain served quite a fitting sympathetic background for the Criminals' moods. But after a quick team talk and a change of formation and tactics, the short misery we all felt turned to joy as John drove in a low-grounder into the opponent's goal Adebayor style, a product of his revived efforts of a run down the right flank accompanied with power and placement. Smack That!

The game seemed possibly winnable then with morale boosted from the solo striker's goal. The defense increased intensity with hard challenges and good covering, the midfield pushing up more and John making more runs.

Disaster however, was just round the corner.

A failure to close down on one bald-headed opponent gave them the opportunity to send a cracker past Ariff, who, moments before, made a superb save from a corner by stealing the ball underneath a melee of legs. At 3-1 in the opponent's favour, the game slowly ebbed away.

The fourth goal was yet another SNAFU(Situation Normal, All Fucked Up).

Oliver, who had switched sides for the second half, mis-cleared the ball from Bright's header out of the box. The goalward spinning orb dropped right into the path of another baldie, who smashed it in from a range so close, it left Ariff helpless to do anything.

By now the Criminals' were tired out both from lack of stamina and injuries. Rough tackling and late challenges made by Oli's team gave several crooks cramps and the like. The Criminals could have stolen another late goal through a penalty as Zhisen was brought down in the box by the opposing central defender in a manner that would make Aikido and Judo practicioners proud. But claims for an obvious foul were dismissed rather too easily by the opponents, whom by now had committed several fouls of their own, one of which saw 2 Criminals taken off the field.

To add insult to injury, a fifth goal was scored when one of the head-shaven boys tore past Khalis to add one more in their trunk. However, his over-zealous effort caught Khalis in an awkward manner, leaving him in obvious pain and more worryingly a cramp so intense that it rendered his lower left leg immobile for a good 10 minutes at least.

With forces exhausted along with breath, the game then hit the 90 minute mark. No injury time was played, ironically due to the extensive injuries we had. The end result of 5-1 was deragotary to the abilities of the band of bandits to say the least. Perhaps the game would have been different with a referee and linesmen, but done was the day. A lesson for the Criminals well learnt, but only with time and experience together as a team can we surely secure success further on.